Once I was hurt and hard.
Yes, I could do the small talk thing. I could do the heated discussion thing. I could even do the smiling thing. But inside I often felt empty or numb.
Mostly I felt alone.
Mostly I felt like I didn’t fit in with where I was and what I was doing. That I was having to do stuff to please others, to be liked, even loved and most definitely thought acceptable.
Doing my duty.
Early last Sunday morning, the fresh smells of my once again rain soaked garden seized me through the open door… And I remembered.
I remembered how I had closed my heart so nobody could hurt me ever again… or so I thought.
(BTW, paradoxically, the defences we create are usually bloody useless and let in exactly the person or thing that’s going to screw you over in the way you wanted to defend against!)
Trouble is when you close your heart against others you close it against yourself. No choice. The switch is either on or off.
What triggered me to remember feeling heart closed, hurt and hard?
A book letting you know that the universe has your back. And that, to align yourself with the universe, you need to replace fear with love.
Did I feel fear all those years ago???
Of course I did.
Fear of being hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of being found out a fraud, fear of not being ‘respectable,’ fear of being odd, an outsider, fear of not being liked, loved, acceptable, fear about anyone getting near to me, seeing the real me…
Even the fear of the fear of the fear of… who the hell knows!
Eventually I crashed as I had to.
And began a journey peeling off the layers of fear. A journey of building inner resources and resilience. And of returning to open my heart to love…
Most of all for myself…
Nowhere as simple a journey as it sounds but nowhere whatsoever as difficult as you might imagine it to be!
Feeling hurt and hard or alive with love and aligned to the universe?
No brainer, huh?
Love to you…