I opened my kitchen’s French doors early Sunday morning to a rain-soaked garden and cool-cool air. It was heaven after so much heat.
And it reminded me of another kitchen door and another rain-soaked garden after days of heat.
A younger woman stood on the threshold looking out. Grateful for the rain that had cleared oppressive air although it did nothing for the turmoil inside.
Feeling uncertain, frustrated and confused.
‘What the hell’s wrong with me? Some women would be glad to have my life. But something’s missing and I don’t know what!’
So I put on my ‘I’m alright’ mask. I got on robotically and busily with the things I had to do. Running my business, being a ‘respectable’ suburban wife and mother, chief cook, PA Chair, friend and confidante, etc., ad infinitum!
Anything but anything that created a distraction and stopped me feeling the pain of lack and unfulfillment inside.
Even now, writing this, I want to turn the radio on, go and make a sandwich… Anything but sit with and remember that pain.
Ooo… and now I’m looking at Facebook on my mobile!
No wonder it’s hard for you too… But you know what?
The only way out is in!
And that’s what I did eventually. I trusted my inner wisdom, grabbed my divine feminine cojones and with my trusty journal began an inner exploration.
Guess the first sentence I wrote in my journal in what proved to be an awesome journey…
‘What the fuck’s going on!’
The can of worms I feared never materialised. The people who liked and loved me still did when I was done. There were a few changes in my external life but one helluva change in my internal life and how I behaved in the world!
It’s true that things would never be the same again but without change you and I would just die. As I was indeed metaphorically dying before I chose to work with my dis-ease.
I found ways to surmount what seemed previously insurmountable. I learned where the best footholds are, how to successfully navigate torrents and where to find hidden mines of golden resources, both mine and those of the divine feminine.
Resources that give beautiful presence and power to who I am… and who you are too!
I’m sensing it might just be the time to buy yourself a new, gorgeous and substantial journal…
Love to you…